Monday, April 22, 2013

Mom was with me again tonight!

This evening as I was playing the piano, I was wondering when Mom might "speak" to me again. It has been a couple of weeks since I noticed a confirmation that she is nearby.

After playing a few songs, I went upstairs to start getting the room ready for bed. One of Mom's journals was sitting on my dresser, so I thought I would try to read a few entries. The journal reading has been very emotionally difficult for me. But, tonight was different. I laughed so hard at some of the things that she wrote that I cried! The words were so much my mom! Below is part of her entry on October 15, 2012.

"Something Kevin just said as we are talking at the table. It's 'negative' but I'm going to laugh about it all day because it is one of those really true observations. The 'light at the end of the tunnel' is a freight train. (Here she drew a smiley face.) See how a 'negative' can make you laugh? Because we all have survived and will survive FREIGHT TRAINS."

As I was reading this, and laughing my butt off I noticed a noise outside of my window. Guess what it was? A TRAIN! It was thunderously loud and the horn was blaring. We live a good mile or more away from the nearest tracks, and it isn't often that we hear trains. Occasionally, I hear them on a walk, but rarely do I notice them when I am in the house.

Then, to squelch any bit of doubt in my mind of the miracle I was experiencing, I continued to read the journal entry of that day. Mom was talking about miracles and wrote about running into Michou Hujik in the bathroom at Froedtert that day. She was excited about the "miracle" and went on to say this:

"O.K. So chance encounters in bathrooms are not miracles? Yes, they are when they brighten our days!"

Well, guess what -- reading my mom's journal entry about freight trains and hearing one outside my window brightened my week! So, I am just going to have to take this as a miracle. Thank you, Mom!






Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Today, on my mom's 71st birthday, I have decided to give myself the gift of "being". I will not succumb to mine or others' preconceived ideas of how I should feel or what I should do on this day. Instead, I will allow myself to experience each thought and feeling as it occurs without judgement—let each pass through me like a cleansing spring shower.

So far:

I felt the emptiness of waking up again in a world without my mom.
 

As I got out of the shower, I noticed how much my legs resemble my mom's legs—bringing me a sense of wonder and comfort.

Putting on my eyeshadow, I felt extreme compassion and love for the person in the mirror. I wanted to reach out, run my hand down her cheek, and hold her.

I enjoyed being outside in the driveway, in the cool, moist spring air—if only for a moment.

And, as always, the first iced tea of the day is delicious.

Monday, April 15, 2013

My mom's cousin Mark sent me this video snippet from their most recent high school reunion. I cannot tell you the joy that this video has brought to my day! She is simply the most beautiful, happy soul. Thank you so very much, Mark!


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Today, as I sit at home, especially sad -- even with the warm sunshine beaming in the window (or maybe because of it) -- I search  others' blogs for some comfort in my grief. Not finding anything but more pain, I decide, "What the hell. Why not write some words of comfort myself?"

In my last post, I wrote about unwrapping the miracles of the grey day. And you know what? We received a wonderful, absolutely beautiful miracle that day! My daughter Alicia was offered a part in an upcoming musical at the Racine Theater Guild -- "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum".

As most of you know, Alicia was especially close to my mom. My mom was more than a grandmother to Alicia. Mimi was Alicia's best friend in the whole world, in every way. Naturally, Mom's passing has been very difficult for Alicia. I have been praying that Alicia receive something to help her find her way.

Thursday afternoon, the director from a show that Alicia was in last fall, called her. He wanted to know why Alicia didn't audition for his upcoming show. Alicia told him, "Because it is a musical, and I don't sing."

His response? "You do now!" 

Alicia was given a part on the spot. She starts practice tomorrow. I cannot tell you what an amazing gift this is! Alicia is never, NEVER, happier than when she is involved in a play. It is like all of the hurt and confusion of life falls away and exposes Alicia in her purest form. Simply magnificent.

My mom loved nothing more than watching Alicia perform. While part of me is sad that my mom won't be here for this show, a bigger part of me is certain that she will be.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Made it though the one-month anniversary and feeling stronger for that today!

I needed to remind myself to get my butt out of bed this morning and unwrap the miracles of the day. So far, the only thing I have found is another grey, rainy day. But, like Mom always said, the best presents come wrapped in brown paper bags.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Today is the one month anniversary of my mother's death.

It has been the worst month of my life.

If I live to be my mom's age at passing, I have to live another 360 months without her.

Today, this thought is unbearable.

They tell me it will get better with time.

But, for now, all I can see is a vast stretch of loneliness and grief.


I miss you, Mom.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Like many mothers and daughters, my mom and I spent lots of time together shopping. We particularly enjoyed bargain shopping for odds and ends that we really didn't need. I cannot tell you how many times I put some little treasure in my basket, only to hear my mom say, "Don't buy that, Kerry. I have one at home that you can have." And, not only did she have one. She would often have something even better. And, she always knew exactly where it was!

Last fall when my mom's health had declined to the point that a shopping excursion was no longer an option, I was picking up some groceries at Trader Joe's. I saw a young woman and her mother shopping, as if they had all the time in the world to be together. Tears filled my eyes. There is nothing that I wouldn't have given at that moment to have my mom by my side, healthy, happy, and completely carefree.

A couple of weeks after my mom died, I was at the Dollar Store with my friends Jen and Susan. My friends wanted to get some cheap dog toys for their pups to destroy. Although shopping  was the farthest thing from my mind, it occurred to me that I should see if the store had any multiplication flash cards. My son Conrad is in the third grade and currently learning his multiplication facts.

As luck would have it, the store had tons of addition, subtraction, and division flash cards. Heck, they even had flash cards for little kids learning their shapes and colors. But, not a single pack of multiplication cards! Jen and I searched the shelves and dug through the boxes, and still came up empty handed. I was a little disappointed and thought it a little strange, but decided that I would check another Dollar Store later.

When I left the Dollar Store, I went over to my parent's house. I was going to visit my dad and work on putting away some things from the funeral. When I walked in the front door, my dad, who has been busying himself by cleaning things out,  proudly announced, "I cleaned out another drawer! Got rid of just about everything in it. But, I saved one thing. Here..." he said as he handed me a Multiplication Fast Facts Wheel. "I thought Conrad could use this."

Some may call this situation a coincidence. But, I am absolutely convinced that my mom was communicating with me. Now, whenever I see a mother and daughter enjoying the day together, and I feel the familiar surge of sadness swell up inside me, I remind myself what my mother told me that day. She was not trying to save me a dollar. Instead, she was telling me that she will always be with me.