Mimi's Wishing Well

This is not going to be a pleasant post. Don't worry. Mom is doing fine today. There are no changes in her health. But, if you are not in the mood to read about deep-seeded fear and anger, then I suggest you skip this one. (I will try to write an uplifting post next!)

When I was a teenager, I worked as a cashier at Hardees, the fast food chain. One night I had a terrible dream. A dream that I have never forgotten and doubt I ever will. It went like this:

Nightmare One

I was alone, standing behind the counter at Hardees and prepared to take the next order. A man walked up to my register. He pulled out a gun and very calmly told me that I was going to die. He said, "It will go like this. I will count to three. One, two, three. Bang. Ready?" He proceeded to count. "One. Two. Three." And I awoke.

Tonight, for probably the millionth time, I was damning the hospital doctor for "giving my mom 6 months to live." I do not believe that the doctor's prognosis is correct. But, I do believe that this practice is very harmful. It is beyond harmful. It is destructive. And, it was my nightmare come to life.

Nightmare Two

I was sitting beside my mother's hospital bed. The doctor came in. A man that we had never seen before, but a face that I will never forget. Very calmly he said, "The tumors are extensive. You will die from this. With treatment you can expect to live 6 months to a year. We will treat you to extend your life. Then we will manage your pain." About the only thing he left off was the, "Ready? One. Two. Three..."

Every day since that doctor (or gunman depending on how you want to look at it) said those words, I have been rewriting this story in my head. I replace his "6 months" with the "fourteen years" of another patient that Mom's oncologist told us about. His, "We will treat you to extend your life" is replaced by Mom's oncologist's hope that "the radiation may eradicate the tumors". I read everything I can about holistic approaches to healing and encourage Mom to incorporate them in her battle plan. More than anything, I live for today.

You may wonder why I chose to share this with you. Honestly, I do not want to haunt anyone with these words. I just want to release this nightmare. I figure if I can just get it out, maybe it will be gone forever. Also, I think that someday another person who is on this same journey may come upon this post and take comfort in knowing they he or she is not alone. If you can rewrite the story and live for today, you can keep those demons at bay. Oh, and fuck all of the doctors who spew out their unwanted prognoses. You better check in with God the next time you count someone out of this race!